Cadolphin

What did I do to deserve this? What have I done that's so bad that I am punished with ocd so bad that I feel so uncomfortable and so wrong all the time? What have I done to deserve ocd so bad that I think about suicide every day and feel so uncomfortable from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep? What have I done to be mentally tortured so bad every single day?

I was.... Broken. Shattered. More hurt than I've ever been in my entire life. My self esteem is still.... Totally gone. I have a feeling it will be gone for a while. For a while, I literally had no will to live. I was pushing my face into the pillow, hoping to suffocate myself. I wanted everything to end, I wanted to stop everything. That was the only time anyone's ever actually made me want to die for real. I tried to stand up for myself at first.... But I couldn't after a while. I could only let him walk all over me and break me. I'll have to admit..... That's the only time I am willing to admit he did wrong. The whole time he kept breaking me down more and more and more. I was already down, and instead of helping me up he just broke me more. I was sobbing so hard I was crying, I was digging my nails into my skin, biting my lip so hard it's still bleeding. I've got bits of my skin under my nails, I wanted so bad to just get a razor and slit my wrists. He broke me, but it's fine. I know he didn't mean to. I was crying so hard I wasn't even making any noise... Even now I still can't look at my pathetic self in the mirror. He broke me, but it'll be alright because I can't get over him. I honestly can't even blame him... I should have just cheered up. He's just a big baby.... I can't hurt him ❤ he started crying and I just.... I couldn't help but feel worse... I can't even describe how bad I was hurt.... But it's all over now 😄 I cheered my baby up.... I still hate myself but he's all that matters 💙💜

Hell. Reading that simple word probably makes you imagine the fiery red underground place that Satan rules. But for me, I think of my state of mind.
Yea, I know people have worse lives and pasts than me, but every day I'm in a battle with my mind. I have several mental disorders; ocd, odd, adhd, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, major depression, anxiety, along with being bipolar and having baaad anger  management issues and a learning disability in understanding and logic. I have hallucinations a lot, along with no sense of time  whatsoever. My depression sets in at any random time, and nothing really helps. I just go numb a lot. My bpd is just.... A mess. Honestly, it's too much to explain, so if you want to know more about it look it up. I feel like at any moment people can change, snap, become a totally different person. I'm so afraid of that happening, so afraid of getting hurt that I still don't want to let go of every single fear I have and trust a full 100%. I have abandonment issues, my dad choosing alcohol and women over me my whole life, and my mother just ditching my brother and I when I was 8 to take my baby sister Katie and live with her husband. I am very, super insecure and paranoid. I have so much more to say, but my thumbs are tired from all this typing. I'll probably post more about this some other time.

Day 5, can't sleep past 2 am. Five days, and the bags under my eyes keep getting worse and worse. I get maybe 3, 4 hours of sleep a day at most.... I feel so groggy and slow, It takes forever for me to understand things.... I just want to sleep.... Everything is confusing 😣

Fuck! Just..... Fuck! Every time I think about him my heart races and I feel so happy.... All I want rn is to hold him and hug him and kiss him.... Fuck I am so in love 😆 *spazzes out* I can't even keep it in!!!!! Damn I love him..... And he'll never even know how much...